Lyrics for “You Can Call Me Al” by Paul Simon

A man walks down the street,
He says, Why am I soft in the middle now?
Why am I soft in the middle?
The rest of my life is so hard!
I need a photo-opportunity,
I want a shot at redemption!
Don’t want to end up a cartoon,
In a cartoon graveyard …..
Bonedigger, Bonedigger,
Dogs in the moonlight.
Far away, my well-lit door.
Mr. Beerbelly, Beerbelly,
Get these mutts away from me!
You know, I don’t find this stuff amusing anymore ….
If you’ll be my bodyguard,
I can be your long lost pal!
I can call you Betty,
And Betty, when you call me,
You can call me Al!
A man walks down the street,
He says, Why am I short of attention?
Got a short little span of attention,
And whoa, my nights are so long!
Where’s my wife and family?
What if I die here?
Who’ll be my role-model?
Now that my role-model is ….
Gone …… gone,
He ducked back down the alley,
With some roly-poly, little bat-faced girl.
All along …. along ….
There were incidents and accidents,
There were hints and allegations …..
If you’ll be my bodyguard,
I can be your long lost pal!
I can call you Betty,
And Betty, when you call me,
You can call me Al!
Call me Al ……
A man walks down the street,
It’s a street in a strange world.
Maybe it’s the Third World.
Maybe it’s his first time around.
He doesn’t speak the language,
He holds no currency.
He is a foreign man,
He is surrounded by the sound, sound ….
Cattle in the marketplace.
Scatterlings and orphanages.
He looks around, around …..
He sees angels in the architecture,
Spinning in infinity,
He says, Amen! and Hallelujah!
If you’ll be my bodyguard,
I can be your long lost pal!
I can call you Betty,
And Betty, when you call me,
You can call me Al!
You can call me Al ……

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Just a fine bit of irony.